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Fuckton Of Cats
Starring Rachel Bloom
Featuring Donna Lynne Champlin, Gabrielle Ruiz, Vella Lovell, Mary Holland, Cissy Fenwick
Written by Rachel Bloom, Adam Schlesinger, Jack Dolgen

REBECCA
It’s come to this
Like I knew it would
Since I’m now
Single for good

I know just what
I gotta do
I gotta go get myself
A fuckton of cats!

HEATHER, PAULA, & VALENCIA
A fuckton of cats!

REBECCA
A fuckton of cats!

HEATHER, PAULA, & VALENCIA
Way too many cats!

REBECCA
When you’re a permanent bachelorette
It’s mandatory that you go out and get
A fuckton of cats!

Oh yeah!

I walk myself down to the lonely lady cat store
The smell is overwhelming inside
This is the future smell of my house
It’s the smell of my dreams that have died

I walk up to the cat shelf
Where the cats are labelled big and small
The sales lady asks, “Is there one you like?”
And I state, “I’ll take them all!”
I wanna fuckton of cats!

CATS
Meow! A fuckton of cats!

REBECCA
Gimme a fuckton of cats!

CATS
Meow! A fuckton of cats! Meow!

REBECCA
The sales lady’s pumped
She’s closing early
And heading home to her sad walk-up apartment
Filled with her own fuckton of cats!

CATS
Meow, meow, meow

REBECCA
That she got at a discount

CATS
Meow, meow, meow

REBECCA
‘Cause she works at the cat store

CATS
Meow, meow, meow
Meow, meow, meow
Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow

Why have cats, over time, become
Synonymous with loneliness?
We gotta work on our collective image
We need a new publicist

The ironic part is we’re not that friendly
If you’re lonely, we might make it worse
Also, we sleep, like, sixteen hours a day
Have you considered getting a dog?

REBECCA
Nope! I wanna fuckton of you guys!

CATS
Okay, we warned you

REBECCA
A fuckton of cats!

CATS
We’re gonna ruin your couch

REBECCA
There’s a lot of evidence that
Organisms in cat poop make you crazy

CATS
Yes, we saw that article in The Atlantic
And then we peed on The Atlantic

REBECCA
But I still want a fuckton of cats!

CATS
*Hiss!*